Tim Moore-"Moore About That": The Corvette Macho Machine

Thursday, July 2, 2009

The Corvette Macho Machine

What exactly is it about guys and cars?

I mean, we seem to take delight in DEFINING ourselves by the car we drive, whereas women (to the best of my knowledge) have none of this in their DNA.

The one millionth Corvette rolled off the assembly line on this date in 1992. Original designer Zora Arkus Duntov did the honors behind the wheel as it emerged from the Bowling Green, Kentucky assembly plant.

The Corvette was really America’s first sports car, allowing young men to drive fast and attract women-and allowing old guys to address their mid-life crisis by attempting to APPEAR young and ATTEMPTING to attract women(usually in vain). Convertibles sold to middle-age guys should have come equipped with toupee glue, just in case that hairpiece wanted to liberate itself from the head behind the wheel!

Do women have a problem driving, say, a pickup truck? I don’t think so. Their orientation is simply point A to point B (especially if Point B is a shoe store). Guys, on the other hand, feel downright UNMANLY behind the wheel of, say, a VW Bug.
“Please, God, don’t let any of my friends SEE me driving this car!”

Of course, sheer economics will drive what you drive.
As a younger man, I had not the means to purchase the macho cars of choice: Corvette, Camaro or…Firebird Trans-Am!! I drove whatever I could afford-and took the verbal abuse from my friends, whose cars may have been SLIGHTLY more testosterone-friendly.

My personal low point was the Pinto Wagon, which became my “ride” in the late 70’s. Talk about a chick magnet. As if the standard Pinto wasn’t bad enough, I had the WAGON, which ratcheted up the laugh index to new heights. At least I wasn’t so delusional to think that “tricking out” (or “pimping”, to use a more contemporary term) would make any difference to my prospects for getting girls. My friend put decals of flames and mag wheels on his VEGA! I can assure you from his many dateless nights that no one was fooled.

That said, it does appear that although women may not define THEMSELVES by their cars the way men do, it does appear that they defined their MEN by that standard. Not to say that George Clooney in a Yugo would lose out to Marty Feldman in a Maserati, but you get the idea. I have seen some homely guys with chicks WAY out of their league cruising down the boulevard in a Jaguar. That same dude in a Suburban station wagon (with genuine imitation woodgrain on the side) wouldn’t have had a chance.

Could it be that BOTH sexes are that shallow?

Yes….but at least the ladies can leave it at the curb. Men have to make monthly payments on their image enhancers, all of which eventually end up in the junkyard!

Check out this video, probably the VERY first TV commercial for the brand new 1953 Corvette!