Telemarketers-Beware!

My apologies in advance if you make your living as a telemarketer.

I, like most people, cannot stand telemarketers—not as people, mind you. It’s just that the very idea of calling people in their homes to sell them stuff seems so intrusive. While I haven’t gone as far as to put my number on the national “don’t call” list, the very fact there needs to be a “don’t call” list is evidence of their collective nuisance.

And yes, there really needs to be such a list. Everything from timeshares to insurance to credit cards to charities—sprinkle the legitimate ones among the hundreds of scams out there, many of them targeting the elderly-and my blood boils!

It’s fun to ask telemarketers stupid questions in the middle of their spiel….throws ‘em off, since 99.9% read a script verbatim. Once they have to start over, the chance of their squeezing a dime out of anyone is greatly diminished-and they know it.

The clever ones disguise their pitch as “research”. They start with the statement-“I’m not selling anything”—and then proceed to sell you something. That’s too bad, because I used to take the research and survey calls. Now, I can’t even provide a legitimate researcher with data since they are dwarfed by the “research-as-sales” practitioners who have long closed off that avenue as well.

Perhaps that’s why the newest tactic is automated telemarketers. Recorded voices that auto-dial your number. I guess the reasoning here is that these tele-robots won’t be affected by rejection like their human counterparts. Problem is their closing ratio must be infinitely smaller. Nice people have a hard time hanging up on a real person, even a jerk. Not so with a machine.

While the urge to slam the receiver down so hard that it will drive phone shards into the ear of the person at the other end is strong, I think that toying with the tele-intruder is much more fun.

Here’s my favorite:

When one of these knuckleheads calls, express immediate great interest in their product/service and ask if they take credit cards. You will be able to hear the drool at the other end of the line. When they say “YES!”, simply ask for THEIR phone number so you can call them back when THEY are having dinner!

Works every time. They never have a number to call back—and you also get a parting shot in about interrupting one of their meals!